Maya (name changed) is a dear friend of mine and mother of a 11 year old, ‘strong willed’ daughter, Zara. Zara is a typical 11 year old, with oodles of confidence that may come across as aggression and with amazing will power and zeal. She excels in subjects and activities she likes. However, she hardly cares about electives she doesn’t like. Maya was at her wits end coaxing Zara into paying attention to all subjects and making her involved in extra curricular subjects she didn’t enjoy much, but Zara disregarded all of it. Her older brother on the other hand is an all-rounder, an obedient and disciplined child which often sparks off unfair comparisons between the two at family dinners and parties. Zara has extremely strong opinions and preferences and wasn’t shy of asserting them. ‘Well-meaning’ relatives would often tell Maya as to how she should look at enrolling her in boarding or day boarding schools to put her wayward child into before she completely lost control. Am sure we are all acquainted with such little Zaras.
Up until very recently strong willed children were the ones society labelled as stubborn, rebels, wayward, in short, the untamable. They were to be dealt with punitively - either physical or emotional threats were made to conform them to the set mould. Unfortunately in the process, many of these children’s spirits would be crushed, some would run away from home and others would end up rebelling. However, now, slowly mindsets are changing thanks to parent counselling, and awareness. Strong willed children may be quite a handful to handle but they are blessed with an enormous will power and sense of determination which needs to be tapped and directed. When Maya approached me with the problems she faced she was an anxious mother. Here are some simple tips to make raising such wilful spunks who want to live by their rules -
- Identify the negotiables and non-negotiables - Set them apart from the negotiable ones. Know what is sacred to your little one. Understand if it can be done their way and why it may be important to them. Even if it can’t be done their way you must understand why it may be important. Once you acknowledge that, there are chances they will feel as if they have been seen and heard. Try to chalk a middle path. However, also firmly identify the non-negotiable components. They need to know it has to be done regardless.
- Focus on the positives - Instead of only focusing on the difficult behaviour, make it a point to focus on positives and initiate a reward system. Have a stars or smiley system or assign points to tasks completed and have a routine reward point acknowledgement every week. Also, set aside the child from the behaviour. There’s a difference in letting child know what comprises bad behaviour and pulling him down. Never make the mistake of crushing a child’s spirit. S/he may never forget nor forgive you for it.
- Environment adjustment - if they have siblings, try not to interfere much and encourage the children to sort the battles amongst themselves. Also,fights with friends need to be tackled by them; refrain from interfering into their affairs. You may get a lot of ‘complaints’ from parents and while you need to pay heed to them, never admonish a child or berate him/her in front of others.
- Be willing to unlearn - This will be one of the biggest parenting lessons perhaps - to let go and to accept your child for who s/he is. A lot of times, children will challenge you or set beliefs of how ‘nice’ children are supposed to be. Remember, though they may pretend not to care, they do! They may challenge you but also try to recognise your tipping points - why is something so important to you; or why would a behaviour upset you. Don’t try to seek validation of your being a good parent to what others feel about your child’s behaviour or how they perceive your children. Don’t treat your child as a project, doing so, will only push him/her further away.
Remember, the key is simply to shape the will of the child while guarding the spirit. So they may inspire their own journeys.
